Going through a divorce is terrible. It leaves you feeling destitute, empty, lonely…the list of negative feelings can go on for awhile. I had to work through mine. I think the worst part is maybe seeing these “love your spouse” posts on Facebook where people are actively bragging about how much they love their spouse. Crazy that they are appearing right this very second, at a time when I decided to move on. Coincidence? I think not. Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly happy for my friends that they have such amazing relationships-in fact, I photographed half of those weddings. I love that they support each other, can lean on each other, and will fight for each other. That is incredible, but I also hope that my friends will consider that not all of the rest of us have something so beautiful.
During this process, I have started doing things I have always wanted to do but never could-like finishing my degree.
I am not referring to financial support. I am talking about emotional support.
But this is a process and as painful as it may be, perhaps what’s waiting on the other end of it is more happiness than I ever imagined. I am lucky-mine was quick and easy. You see, we lost everything a few years ago-and I mean everything; home, cars, businesses…all that was left was each other. Then when the spiritual fight happened, and I looked around, I was the only one still standing in the ring. For my own well being, I had to walk away. It was like jumping in a fox hole with your partner only to see them take off running in the opposite direction. When you are the only one fighting, you tire-very quickly.
Marriage is incredibly hard. We all have our own little quirks that make us a real pain in the ass to the other person at times. I get that. You get that too. You learn to work through it, to compromise & communicate, to work your shit out. So what do you do when the other person becomes so incredibly passive that even ordering food becomes a problem? Do you work that out? What do you do when you go toe to toe with evil, and your spouse runs in the opposite direction? These are the questions many of us are contending with right now. Have I given up? Am I the quitter? Is it my fault? How could I have done better? Is it up to the woman to carry the weight of the relationship?
I believe not. I scoured over the new testament pretty rigorously. Divorce is seldom condoned, but passive-aggressive behavior is certainly scoffed at. Paul makes it incredibly clear it is a man’s position to be the “head” of his wife, as Christ was the head of the church. Christ set the perfect example of how a husband is to love his wife, so much so, he was willing to die for that kind of love. But, hey we’re talking about Jesus, and he is pretty much a super hero, and I am all out of Bravehearts around here. So I am struggling with the idea of divorce. It really makes you feel like a quitter. A big fat capital “L” loser. The only saving grace I have recently found was the comfort in my dad’s words:
“A man is to leave his father and his mother and become one with his wife.” Genesis 2:24
I lacked oneness. Real oneness. The kind that opens you up and courses through the veins of your heart, making it unbearable to be without the other person. The kind you search through lifetimes to keep finding them again and again. When I realized this it became clear I was forcing someone else to also not have his oneness that he deserved; and that to me, is far worse than staying as two in a marriage where God commanded man and woman to collectively unite as a whole one.